By Tobias Jahn
Editors Note: This week, instead of answering individual
questions, Dear Toby will dive into a question which has plagued
people for centuries. What is love?
Why are we searching more and more for love and finding it less
Is there such a thing as romantic love or are we just slaves to
Do sex and love always go hand in hand?
Love is a beautiful idea. It is the biggest and most beautiful
emotion, but also a messy feeling.
However, what we consider as love is not a feeling. Love is more
of a dream world or a concept, not a feeling.
We think it is an everlasting feeling because we all have this
great idea about it.
But the love that we consider love, and the feeling that comes
with it, is far from everlasting.
The romantic love every human tries to find does not exist.
It was a great idea that came about during the 18th century when
concept marriages were common.
This romantic idea of love does not work.
The hormone phenyl ethylamine, which gives us “butterflies” in
our stomach, can exist for no more than three years.
This was the greatest thing nature ever gave humans because if
the feeling of being in love could last forever, we would turn
The condition we call love is one of high excitement, trust and
Love and sexuality are not meant to be together by nature.
Love is even a handicap for our sexuality and evolution.
In this condition, we do not see the flaws of the other person
which come out when the phenyl ethylamine is gone.
After the hormone is gone, it is up to the couple to make it
work and live with each other or get out of it before becoming
We see it more and more, relationships do not have the element
of “forever” anymore, like back in the days.
The prince charming portrayed in Disney and Hollywood made us to
believe in something that does not exist and is only a concept
stemmed from romantic novels in the 18th century.
Though the picture of love we see on TV is pure fiction, the
idea is in our heads now because Disney and Hollywood have great
We never see what happens when the phenyl ethylamine is
The movie ends happily, which creates a picture of dreams and
happiness everybody strives for.
Phenyl ethylamine is not the only culprit behind why
relationships do not last forever.
It also has to do with monogamy, a law the Jewish and Roman
Empires created against infections.
We are not meant to be with just one person.
Like Berthold Brecht once said, “In the cold, bodies and souls
come closer together.”
We probably will see a renaissance of the togetherness of two
people during this economic crisis and the downfall of the wealth
Let me round it up a little bit.
Just find somebody that fits you, cares for you, treats you with
respect and values you as much as you value them.
Find somebody who listens, who shares your interests, enjoys you
even if the sexual attraction is not there yet.
We are able to learn to love somebody and it is up to you to
decide who you want to love and give your heart to.
You are in control of your feelings for a human being.
Sexual attraction is not the important part of a relationship,
but there will come a day in your future when you two never have
sex again because of age.
This is when you wish you were with the person who cared and
Dear Toby questions can be e-mailed directly to Tobias Jahn
Reach Tobias Jahn at: email@example.com
A fine line between love and fantasy
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