Why don’t I miss her like I should?

By Valerie Chen

I don’t miss my girlfriend. We are still together and
have been for some time. I love her very much, and when we are
together, things are great. But more often than not, school or work
keeps us apart for an extended period of time, and during that
span, I don’t miss her ” or at least not nearly as much as she
seems to miss me. I feel like she notices this tendency of mine,
and it makes her feel bad. I don’t want her to feel like she is

as a girlfriend because she isn’t, and this really has
nothing to do with her. What’s wrong with me, and why don’t I miss
her like a normal boyfriend would? — Feeling guilty

Feelings are individualized. Although the time spent apart may
result in your girlfriend missing you, it does not necessarily mean
you must feel the equivalent amount of aching.

Experiences vary from person to person, and people react to
situations in distinct ways.

After all, you have your personality, and your girlfriend has

Furthermore, the majority of relationships include one
individual who is more independent than the other, and most likely,
you hold that title.

As the more introverted and independent individual, you do not
require constant contact with people, even a significant other. You
are fine on your own and appreciate solitude: having space and time
to yourself.

On the other hand, she is possibly a more extroverted and
dependent individual.

She may thrive off the company of other people, especially a
significant other. And when that need is not met, she possesses
feelings of longing for you, for whom she endures emotional

You may have a firm control over your emotions, while she tends
to take her emotions more to heart.

In addition, people may possess dissimilar distinctions of a
successful relationship.

Some believe that a boyfriend or girlfriend must be a constant
companion and always be a priority, no matter what.

Meanwhile, others believe that a boyfriend or girlfriend is a
great part of their lives, but not the only important aspect.

If the two individuals in a relationship possess this difference
in needs, it is necessary to acknowledge it, negotiate the terms
and reach a sort of compromise.

Also, if the school and work that keep the two of you apart for
extended periods of time are mostly from your end of the
relationship, she may have an excess amount of time to sit idly

While you are busy and your schedule is full of necessary tasks
and duties to complete, she is not. Her more open schedule enables
her opportunities to feel lonely and subsequently, miss you.

This situation is not unusual and does not mean the two of you
have an unhealthy relationship. It only becomes detrimental if her
free time is spent waiting for you, which is unfair pressure on you
and excessive expectations from her.

All of this does not mean you don’t love her, which you also
made clear that you indeed do love her in your submission.

Missing her less than she misses you is not wrong ” you simply
have a lesser need for daily contact, whether that be face-to-face
contact or contact via alternate forms of communication.

As a whole, all that matters is how you do feel when you’re with

The extent of missing someone does not need to be compared or
contrasted; it’s unnecessary to beat yourself up over a feeling
that you cannot completely control.

Don’t hesitate to ask me a ques-chen at
formspring.me/askmeaqueschen or send an e-mail to

A mile in another man

Valerie Chen, Asst. LifeStyle Editor / The Poly Post

A mile in another man’s shoes

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