By Valerie Chen
My best friend and I are friends with benefits, and he
has been in love with me for the past 11 years. My feelings for him
aren’t much different. However, there are a few issues: He leaves
on tour a lot and doesn’t have a real job or an education ” both
of which are important to me. I am definitely not materialistic
and do not need someone to take care of me, but at this time in my
life as I am 25 years old, I am finally looking for something more.
With all this said, I have gone on three successful dates with
someone else, but I feel guilty every time I am with him. Is this
normal?I feel as though I am cheating on a boyfriend, but he is
only my best friend, and I do not see it going elsewhere. Should I
tell him I have met someone, even though I know it will shatter his
heart while he’s on tour? Or do I wait and see if things even work
out with this new guy? — Heartbreaker
A “friends with benefits” relationship can work as long as both
members of the liaison are completely conscious of what it
It is the concept of a strictly physical and/or sexual
relationship without the addition of possibly complex emotions.
It’s very clear-cut and casual; no romance or commitment is
Because your friend has fallen for you and has held these deep
feelings for so long, no longer is your relationship purely friends
Your best friend has broken the friends with benefits rules: He
has been in love with you or the past 11 years. Subsequently, he
has crossed set boundaries and added his emotions to the mix. The
informal manner of a friends with benefits situation has been
replaced with emotional attachment.
The more time you spend with someone, the higher probability you
have of getting to know someone and creating a bond. Eleven years
is plenty of time to establish such a profound connection.
Moreover, you have also broken the rules of being in a friends
with benefits relationship, given that you consider him to be more
than just a sexual partner.
You have feelings for him, but you say your feelings for him
aren’t much different ” key words being “much different.” While his
feelings are definite, yours are not, which reveals
Furthermore, if there is not even the slightest possibility of
your friends with benefits relationship ever evolving into an
actual, fully committed relationship, your best friend deserves to
know this significant detail.
It is not fair for either party involved to string someone along
and continuously give false hope.
In a friends with benefits situation, both parties involved are
allowed to date others without any restraints.
Yet, you are concerned your actions of dating someone else will
shatter his heart while he’s away.
By feeling guilty every time you are with the “new guy,” you are
aware of the injustice of your actions.
However successful these dates may be, they cannot be wholly
successful if someone else is in the back of your mind.
It is normal to feel guilty because you care about your best
friend, but it is not normal if your relationship with your best
friend is supposed to be only physical.
Also, the two of you are in different stages of your lives.
What’s more, while education and having a steady job may be your
passion, music may be his.
Love can take precedence over external details such as these. If
you consider these factors to be genuine deal breakers, use them as
auxiliary incentives to let him go.
If you believe telling your best friend about your concerns is
detrimental to his tour, wait.
But do not wait if the reason behind your delay is only to see
if a new relationship with someone else works out. Your best friend
should not be a self-seeking back-up plan.
Friendship is the basis of your relationship with him.
Accordingly, be a good friend to him ” be honest and tell him how
you feel. Even if it may hurt him, it is better and fairer to tell
the truth sooner than later.
You are technically single ” enjoy the positive aspects of this,
including the freedom to rendezvous with whomever and whenever.
There should be nothing holding you back from benefiting from this
Don’t hesitate to ask me a ques-chen at
formspring.me/askmeaqueschen or send an e-mail to
Valerie Chen, Asst. LifeStyle Editor / The Poly Post
A mile in another man’s shoes
Illustration by Aaron Castrejon / The Poly Post
More than friends with benefits
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