Sharp edges gouge on a love triangle

By Valerie Chen

My two-year relationship with my boyfriend has been
amazing, but I’ve been having doubts since he mentioned us getting
married. I think he should have more experiences with other
people. Then, my best friend just recently told me that he loves
me. I used to like him, but never said anything because I never
thought I had a chance. Now I feel like I have to choose between
one of them eventually, but I don’t know what to do or how to go
about it.

— Confused

Relationships fizzle. What might have felt like Cupid’s
greatest work may fade to boring normalcy with less sparks and
infatuation.

However, since your doubts began after he mentioned the
possibility of marriage, it could mean you have cold feet. After
all, being a college student implies you are still in your youth
and may not be emotionally ready for a lifelong commitment like
marriage.

College is a time for self-actualization and figuring out your
future. With more than enough stress about classes, graduating and
landing a career, it’s hard to imagine the pressure of marriage
being thrown into that tremendous mix.

“Most [young adults], especially those who spent the past two
years with the same partner, are wondering if there is something
else or someone different they could, or should be experiencing,”
said Michele Willingham, director of Cal Poly Pomona’s Counseling
and Psychology services.”Young adulthood is a time of exploration
and self-discovery, and likely neither [you] nor [your] boyfriend
are ready for marriage.”

In all probability, this mention of marriage frightened you to
withdraw from him, step back and question your entire
relationship.

Then, amid all of your doubts, along comes the best friend who
you previously had feelings for”feelings that never quite
surfaced.

He represents something new, and moreover, an escape from
feeling trapped.

If you were to strike up a relationship with him, the
possibility of marriage would be far down the horizon. Infatuation
would return ” a much more safe and familiar feeling than the
possibility of marriage.

First, talk to your boyfriend about these doubts. Explain you do
not want to rush into things, and if the discussion is successful,
work on maintaining a relationship that evolves at a slower
pace.

On the other hand, saying he “should have more experiences with
other people” sounds like an attempt to justify your potential
desire to have experiences with other people, such as your best
friend.

If it is not truly related to being scared of marriage but
instead about your best friend’s confession, then your boyfriend
deserves to be told of this revelation.

As difficult as it may be to hurt someone you care about,
sometimes it needs to be done.

He will be much more hurt if he is in a one-sided relationship
in which his girlfriend has someone else on her mind.

It’s hard walking away from someone. If a future with your best
friend has more appeal than the past two and future years with your
boyfriend, then it’s only fair to all parties involved to know the
truth.

Be honest with your boyfriend, your best friend and most
importantly, yourself.

Just remember: “All choices have consequences,” said
Willingham.”If you do choose to date your best friend, you risk
losing that friendship should dating not work out. Refer to last
week’s column about ‘being friends’ after a breakup.”

Don’t hesitate to ask me a ques-chen at
formspring.me/askmeaqueschen or send an email to
opinions@thepolypost.com

A mile in another man

Valerie Chen, Asst. LifeStyle Editor / The Poly Post

A mile in another man’s shoes

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